Most of my day beyond the basics of living is spent on the computer. That time is spent doing things on my forum, chatting with the people from my forum on AIM, surfing the internet, playing computer games, checking on Facebook, and now writing in this blog. When I actually get out and do something it's usually a big event for me, but sounds completely normal to anyone else - like going to Subway, or a church activity. While I'm trying to expand my life, at the same time I'm quite pleased with the life that I have. But I just don't have much in it that's convenient to bring up when someone wants to know what I've been 'up to'.
I suppose the best honest answer would be: "Well, I've been concentrating on my lingering anxiety issues for the past couple of years, and I've been slowly improving with that. Lately I've been able to make it out of the house on my own much more frequently, and that's been nice." However, that's not necessarily the best answer to give to most people - especially if I barely know them, they don't know about any of my struggles, and I don't know that I want them to know. One thing that has helped is that I moved out of my parent's house for the first time in the beginning of April, that's a fairly normal thing to mention about what you've been 'up to', and so I've been milking my ability to say "Oh, did you hear that I moved?" for all that it's worth lately. That easily transitions into a benign conversation about how I'm getting along with my roommates and the pros and cons of not being in the same house as my parents. It's nice having good small talk fodder!
A part of me wishes that I could also bring up things like my recent trip to Subway while everyone else talks about their recent accomplishments, but you kind of have to know just how abnormal that is for me to appreciate that story and sometimes I just want to be normal. But when I then force myself to stay quiet about that sort of thing, I find myself having to remind myself that I'm not mentioning it for that reason and not because it wasn't a major accomplishment. It's very easy for me to fall for the idea that just because it wouldn't be a big deal for other people doesn't mean that it wasn't a big deal for me.
And it's terrible when I do that because if I don't recognize my accomplishments for what they are I start feeling like I'm not doing anything important, and that I'm somehow less of a person than the people around me. Which is just not fair for me to think because for one thing most of those people haven't had to go through anything near what I had to go through to get where we are today, and if I'm being honest I'm probably improving as a person a lot faster than a lot of them are - if lives were measured by just how often and severely people go outside of their comfort zone, taking into account the fact that everyone's comfort zone is different, I think I'd be giving most people a run for their money. My list of things that I did even though it really bothered me for today:
- I used a flavor of toothpaste I've never tried before this morning.
- I ate the 'wrong' type of taquitos for lunch. (Yummy, but still wrong.)
- I ate pie in front of one of my roommates. (It was hers - she said I could have some, but it still bothered me for whatever reason.)
- I let a new mod on my forum help a new member without stepping in and taking over today without letting on that it bothered me at all. (Until now, since said mod reads this blog - note that the bother was because I'm a control freak and not because you didn't do a great job!)
- I mentioned the fact that I was eating pie here even though my mom now has a link to this blog.